Holding a grudge can spoil future relationships with other people, cause depression or resentment, and can isolate you from others. [2] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source
Often, people claim that they “cannot” forgive the person who did them wrong. They believe that it is impossible for them to get past their feelings of hurt and betrayal. Yet, what people fail to realize is that forgiveness is a choice. When you choose to forgive people who have hurt you, the person that will benefit most from this decision is you.
Remember, you are not doing this to ease the other person’s conscience or to condone his actions. You are doing it to allow yourself to heal and move forward.
Honestly ask yourself how often you’ve wronged someone and been forgiven. Remember what that felt like, and how relieved and grateful you felt when the other person forgave you. Sometimes it helps to remember that we’re just as prone to hurting others. [4] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source
While you may be tempted to talk to the person you’re having trouble forgiving, wait until you are in a calm place and have completely considered your feelings. This will keep you from going off on the person and further damaging the relationship. [5] X Research source
Positively dealing with your emotions will make you more aware of the issues you need to confront. This is key to recognizing and dealing with negative emotions, rather than simply ignoring them. [6] X Research source
There’s not an optimum window of time for forgiving someone. You may find yourself holding onto a grudge for years, then realizing that you need to come to terms with that person. Listen to your instinct.
Whether it’s a partner or family member who has hurt you, don’t drastically react. Think about your history with him and whether this was a once off offence or a habit. Make sure you are thinking calmly and rationally before you say something you can’t take back or cut him out of your life altogether.
As clear-cut as the situation may seem to you, you should always take the opportunity to hear the other person’s side of the story. You may be surprised at what you learn, and if nothing else, it will allow you to make an informed decision about what to do next.
Try to understand what the other person’s motives or intentions were. Was he deliberately trying to hurt you? Did he have your best interests at heart? Or was he simply being careless?
Stay calm when confronting the person who hurt you. Avoid accusatory phrases when addressing the other person. Instead of saying “you made me feel like. . . " say “I feel like. . . " Breathe deeply and if they say anything that provokes you, try counting to ten before responding.
Once you have expressed your feelings clearly and thoroughly, it is important that you move on. If you have decided to forgive this person for his actions, you cannot bring up past hurts every time you have an argument or hold it over his head.
For example, if your partner has cheated on you, you will solve nothing by cheating on him in return. You will only cause more pain and resentment. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Your forgiveness won’t count for much if it only comes after you’ve had your revenge.
Remember that forgiving someone does not necessarily mean that things will go back to normal between you. If you feel that he may have hurt you one too many times or you don’t think you can trust him again, that’s okay. Just make this clear to him as well. This may seem easier in a romantic relationship that is ending, since you most likely won’t see each other very much. It’s harder to do in a family situation, since you’ll be encountering each other regularly.
In some situations, such as an abusive relationship or a relationship where your partner has cheated multiple times, it is safer and healthier to cut the person out of your life for good. You deserve better.
If you continue to dwell on past hurts, you will never be able to truly forgive or move forward. Look on the bright side and see this situation as an opportunity to make a fresh start. It might be just what your relationship needs.
Make a commitment to be completely open and honest with one another about everything. Take it one day at a time. Trust can’t be earned overnight. You need give the other person time to regain your trust.
If you start remembering the hurt and pain the other person caused you, don’t let that thinking take hold. [16] X Research source If you do, you might have to revisit your past for the answer. Don’t look at this as another reason to be angry. Instead, see this as an opportunity to heal.
Remember that forgiveness is a process. Just saying that you forgive someone does not make it true. You will need to work towards it, little by little, each day. However, saying it out loud will help you to stand by your decision.
