Your friend said he signed up for pottery class with you, but he did not get into the class. You think maybe he lied, but in talking with him discover there was not room enough for everyone who signed up. Or it conflicted with a required class for him. Maria said to you she is not attracted to girls. Later, you find out she kissed Gabrielle in the past. Maybe that kiss actually convinced her she really is not attracted to girls. Or she might not be honest to herself. Or she really is not sure, she might be exploring her own feelings. Your stepmother claims she did not take your earrings. You know she is wearing them. It turns out your father gave her a pair that looks just like yours, and she mixed them up.
Be very, very careful of accusing another person of lying. Be sure you have explored Step #1 first. If you have a good relationship with the other person, try to give the other person a way to “save face”. In other words, a graceful way to tell the truth without looking bad. Example: Your friend lied about placing first in a swimming championship. You know she actually placed third, and asks if she is mixing her story up with last year, when she placed first. By doing so, she can correct her story without embarrassment–and the truth is still told.
Your usually get along great with your twin, but he lied about a minor but annoying thing. You approach him gently at a time when he is more relaxed and open to talking to you. You were stood up; she lied about wanting to go on a date with you. She admits that to you but will not give any coherent reason. You decide that is a lousy way to treat you, and if she really wants forgiveness, she knows how to get in touch with you.
A lie may be there for a lofty reason. For example, some people grew up not knowing they were adopted because adoptive parents wanted them to feel just as valued as biological children. It still may be hurtful, but it may help to understand it was in an attempt to protect you. You can forgive a selfish lie. Your friend may have lied about taking your shoes, but if she came clean and made amends, it may be easier to forgive her. It is usually up to the liar to explain the lie. In general, the person who lied to you needs to explain why he or she lied. “I don’t know” is generally not useful in gaining your forgiveness. Younger children, special needs individuals, and the like sometimes may require a caregiver to help moderate this conversation.
It is OK to forgive and still be angry. You might forgive your little sister for lying about eating your chocolate, but you can still be angry about it. If a person lies, and is unrepentant about it, you are under no obligation to forgive. If the liar is sorry, you still do not have to forgive. Generally it is a good idea to do so, but the choice is yours. Forgiveness is not automatic just because the other person is sorry. Sometimes truly deceitful people will sometimes pretend to be sorry. If there is reason to believe this is the case, be careful. Even if the other person is genuinely sorry, some grave matters may not or should not be forgiven in the sense of “everything between us completely is all right again”. For instance, if you are sexually assaulted, you have every right to cut off all contact and be angry at that person even if you move on with your life.
Your friend has to also come clean and apologize to another friend affected by a lie. Your cousin has to pay for the replacement bike seat. Your camp bunk-mate is the one that has to get a pie to the face at Skit Night for lying about who left the fake spider on the toilet.
Forgive does not necessarily mean forget. You don’t have to act as if the lie never happened. Repeated lies (or other offensive actions) are something you can and should monitor, and increasingly be less forgiving about. While you have a right to remember past wrongs, true forgiveness means you also do not bring up something you say you forgave again and again. If you are doing that, you are saying you forgive the lie without actually doing so.
If you hold onto a grudge, you will find yourself lonely. Everyone messes up, lies, and so on. If you cannot forgive, you will not be able to deal with imperfect people. Be careful about being “right”. Some people would rather be in the right than happy. You might be entirely right about not forgiving your stepbrother about that lie. But are you really going to be happy going your entire life not forgiving him, ever?
You might forgive your sister for lying about borrowing your iPod, and breaking it, but you are not going to trust it with her again anytime soon, either. Your wife cheats on you. You both reconcile, and the marriage is better than before. Still, she knows she must communicate with you about things like coming home late from work. The trust is back, but only because she is willing to be transparent in a way she was not before.
For example, you are angry your grandmother lied about a family secret. . . your Aunt Cassie is really your biological mother. But Nana she died years ago. You want to give up your anger and forgive her. Cassie helps you to realize at the time, being a teenage unwed mother was taboo. Nana set up the “aunt” story so she could avoid a stigma, be a part of your life, and keep the family intact. Realizing that, you can forgive Nana the lie. You feel so much better. Your friend stole money from you, and lied about it. She will not speak to you now. You have good reason to believe she has a drug problem. You are still angry and upset about it. With your pastor, you realize she has a serious health issue, one that causes such behavior. You forgive her for having an addiction, and letting that hurt go. You will not give her money ever again, however!
Am I holding on to anger to the point it is doing me no good? Is my not forgiving affecting innocent people, like friends or family members? Am I being gullible? Would talking to a trusted person about the situation help? Am I forgiving. . . but not holding the other person accountable for my hurt feelings or making good on the damage done? Am I being a doormat? How many times has this happened before? Zero? Twice? Every week?
