Use affirmations to tell yourself a different story. Try telling yourself aloud several times each day “I need to forgive _____ for breaking their promise. ” Being mindful and focusing on gratitude and kindness will help to reduce overall anger. When you feel yourself starting to get angry about the empty promise, ask yourself “What am I thankful for today” so that you can re-center yourself before the anger gets out of control.
Remind yourself out loud that “I am the person being hurt because of my lack of forgiveness, not _____. ” Remember, releasing the negative emotions will actually help you begin to feel better.
Sit in a chair with your spine straight. You’ll probably be most comfortable with the back of the chair supporting your back. Close your eyes and put one hand on your stomach. Slowly inhale by taking in a deep breath. You should feel the breath start in your abdomen and work its way up to your head. Slowly exhale. You should feel the breath release from you head and move into your abdomen. Repeat this process for five minutes or until you feel calmer. This process helps to relieve stress by lowering your blood pressure and slowing your heart rate.
The person who has offended you may not be prepared to apologize for breaking the promise. It’s important for you to be able to forgive and move on even if the other person does not make amends. Forgiveness is not about reconciliation, it’s about releasing the negative energy so that you can feel better.
Make the conscious decision to learn from the experience rather than be bitter about the outcome. Ask yourself the question, “What have I learned from this experience?” and take a few minutes to explore the thoughts that come to mind. For example, did you learn to always have an alternative plan?
Think about the person’s intentions. Was the person’s intentions good but something happened that caused them to have to abandon the promise? Understand that a broken problem is probably not about you. A person who breaks a promise is probably more focused on her own specific internal or external situation and may not realize how much the broken promise impacts you. For example, if someone promised to meet you for an outing and at the last minute bowed out, perhaps it was because she was having car problems or maybe money was tighter than she realized and she was too embarrassed to admit it. Remember that everyone breaks promises at some point or another. Think back to a time when you had to break a promise. It didn’t feel good when you had to go back on your word and it probably didn’t feel so great to this person either. Keep in mind that everyone is human and sometimes things happen.
Look for things that you have in common with the person. Maybe you both like the same music or drive the same model car. There are numerous things that you may have in common. Research shows that even something as simple as tapping your fingers to the same rhythm boosts compassionate behavior. Don’t blame the other person for your misfortune. Even if her failure to keep her word created a negative result for you, recognize that there were other options available that you chose not to utilize. For example, if you were depending on her to take you to the job interview because your car was in the shop and she did not arrive, keep in mind that you could have made sure that you had a backup plan. Remember, you’re not a victim. See the individual as a person and not “a promise breaker. ” When you see her as a person who is struggling in some areas you may be more willing to forgive then if you see her as a promise breaker who just doesn’t care.
Greater psychological well-being Decreased depression Less anxiety Lower levels of stress Greater spiritual well-being Improved heart health Lower blood pressure Strengthened immune system Healthier interpersonal relationships Increased self-esteem and feelings of self-worth Research shows that the benefits of forgiveness are so marked because it lowers negative emotions and stress. [6] X Research source
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you’re weak. It’s actually a very powerful choice that will ultimately help your well-being. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to forget what happened. In fact, it is very important to put up boundaries with people who are not dependable. You can still be friends with someone and not ask them for help. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to reconcile the relationship. You can let go of a grudge without maintaining the relationship, if you believe it is unhealthy or toxic. Forgiving a person does not mean that you have to condone their actions. Forgiveness is so that you can move on with your life and it doesn’t mean that you have to make excuses for the other person. You can forgive and still take action to protect yourself from future hurts.
Tell the person that you forgive them. Call the person up or ask to meet with her in person. Take the opportunity to tell her that you are no longer holding a grudge and that you forgive her for breaking the promise. If the person is deceased, unavailable, or if you’d prefer to just release the grudge in private, you can verbally express your forgiveness to yourself. Find a quiet place where you will have some privacy. Simply say out loud, “I forgive you, ____. ” You can go into as much or as little detail as you feel comfortable. Write a letter. This is another great option. You get to decide whether or not to send it or discard it. The point is to give yourself the opportunity to actually release the grudge.
For example, let’s say that your cousin promised to watch your children so that you could attend an important event but she cancelled at the last minute. One of the boundaries that you could establish is that she give you a 24 hour notice if she has to cancel in the future (assuming there is no emergency) so that you can make other arrangements. You could let her know that if she does not keep this agreement then you will no longer ask her to babysit your children and will no longer be available to babysit her children either. Keep in mind that as you begin to reestablish trust, the boundaries may change. It’s especially important to set boundaries with chronic promise breakers. Yes, everyone has things that she needs to work through, but you don’t have to allow yourself to repeatedly be taken advantage of while she works through it.
Emotions can interfere with the reconciliation process. [10] X Research source Make sure you’ve allowed the inner healing to occur before trying to restore the relationship. If you’re still stewing over the broken promise then it can make things even worse. There are times when reconciliation is not healthy, and that’s okay. If you don’t think that the relationship should be restored then it’s okay to forgive without restoring the relationship. It may feel a bit awkward but you can say something such as, “I value you as a person and I forgive you, but right now I don’t think it’s healthy for either of us to maintain this friendship. ”
Here’s an example of what you can say: “I know that we had a disagreement but I want you to know that I value our relationship and want us to remain friends. You are fun to be around, give good advice, and there’s no one else that I’d rather spend a Saturday Girl’s Night with. ” Try to be as specific as possible when you’re telling her what you appreciate about her. This will make you appear more genuine. Also, humor could be helpful too if appropriate.
Even if the person was the one who broke the promise, consider how you may have contributed to the situation. Being self-aware is important so that you can take responsibility for anything that you may have done to add to the problem. Ask yourself questions like “Did I communicate clearly?” “Did I know that she had a lot going on yet I added more to her plate?” “Did I overreact a little?” These questions will help you acknowledge your contribution to the situation. When you share the responsibility for what happened, it helps the other person feel less defensive and the reconciliation process will likely be easier.
If she is angry respect her right to be angry with you, whether you think it’s legitimate or not. Sometimes people unconsciously project blame onto others. Give her time and continue to think positive. She may decide that she doesn’t ever want to reconcile the friendship. If this happens, be prepared to wish her well and continue to forgive.
It may take a little time to become close again, and that’s okay. Take it day by day and eventually you’ll get past this rocky period.
